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But, ugh, some idiots ruin it—sloppy hands, no skill, hissss! Saw a post on X once, bloke braggin’ ‘bout his “massage skills,” linked a vid—total rubbish, mate! Made me wanna claw me own trunk off! And the price, oi, some charge a fortune—50 quid for a rub? “I will not bow!” I’d yell, like Solomon fightin’ back! Hiss! Still, when it’s good, oooh, me’s happy as a hobbit with second breakfast—warm, melty, yesss.

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Anyway, I’m walking down the main square, and I spot the old church. It’s beautiful, but today it’s like a magnet for tourists. They’re snapping pics, blocking the path. I’m like, “Excuse me, folks! Real shepherd here, comin’ through!” But they just stare at me like I’m some kinda alien.

Gabor Marton: Those out on the pitch will solve the task