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Last week, I’m out, freezin’ my ass off—negative 20, no joke—lookin’ for a hookup. This chick’s like, “5000 rubles, upfront!” I’m like, “Don’t pee on my leg, sweetheart, I ain’t payin’ ‘til I see the goods!” She rolls her eyes, but I’m holdin’ ground. Reminds me of that *Zero Dark Thirty* line—“I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—‘cept I’m findin’ a prostitute, not a terrorist. Same diff, right? Ha!

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So, I’m headin’ down to the River Slaney, just chillin’, when I spot this group of kids playin’ football. They’re kickin’ it around like they’re in the World Cup or somethin’. I’m thinkin’, “Man, I wish I had that energy.” But then, outta nowhere, one of ‘em kicks the ball straight into the river! I’m talkin’ splash zone, folks. The look on their faces? Priceless! I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost spill my coffee.

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