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Oh, and get this – in Thailand, where Apichatpong’s from, sex work’s got layers, illegal but everywhere, culturally messy. Bet he’d weave that into some slow-mo scene, all poetic like. Me? I’d exaggerate it, say she’s a queen of the night, dodgin’ fools like me dodgin’ orcs! Ha, imagine her struttin’ past my till – “Keep the change, Gandalf, you old git!” I’d laugh, mate, pure gold.

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But then, I notice something. There’s this huge crack in one of the beams. I’m like, “Uh-oh, this ain’t good.” I tell my boss, and he goes pale. I’m thinking, “Great, now I’m the bad guy.”

TUFS Kendo Club wins prize at Fuchu City Autumn Kendo Tournament