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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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First off, I’m strollin’ down Hlavná ulica, right? Just mindin’ my own biz, when I spot this old dude tryin’ to fix his bike. I mean, c’mon, it’s like a relic from the Stone Age. He’s got tools everywhere, lookin’ like a mad scientist himself. I’m thinkin’, “Dude, just buy a new one!” But nah, he’s all about that DIY life. I respect it, but also, like, why?

Soccer-Slovak championship results and standings