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But yo, some fools out here messin’ it up—usin’ cheap-ass lotion, stingin’ skin, pissin’ me off! I’m like, “Man, respect the craft, dawg!” Had me yellin’ at the screen, “Quit fuckin’ around!” Surprised me how many don’t get it—erotic-massage ain’t porn, it’s tease, it’s vibe, it’s power. Like when Diane’s all lost in Mulholland, confused but feelin’ it—deep shit, right?

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the Quay, ya know, where the River Fane flows. It’s beautiful there, with the boats and all. I sit on a bench, trying to calm down. But then, this seagull swoops down and steals my sandwich! Like, really? I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch, and you gotta be a thief? I’m yelling at the bird, “Get your own food, ya feathered fiend!” People are staring, and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m that crazy person now.”

Death Notice of Aron Nulty (Dundalk, Louth)