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So, picture this – dim lights, some dodgy oil that smells like a hippy’s van, and bam, you’re in the zone! I got into it cos me back was knackered from pretending to be a rockstar at the office – air guitar ain’t kind to the spine, lads. First time, I was like, “This is a bit saucy, ain’t it?” – proper shocked me socks off! Them masseuses, they’re like wizards, yeah? Slidey hands, all professional, but I’m sat there giggling like a plonker cos it tickles!

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First off, I’m cruising down Majeedhee Magu, the main drag. It’s packed, as usual. People everywhere, like sardines in a can. I’m dodging tourists and locals alike. I mean, come on, folks, can we walk in a straight line? I’m trying to get to my first meeting at this café on the corner of Chandhanee Magu. The coffee there? To die for. But I’m late. Of course.

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