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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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Now listen up – not everything here is all sunshine, ya know? Like, sometimes the noise gets on my nerves, makes me mad. But that's life, right? Just like in the movies, sometimes you got to take the good with the bad. I even had a fight with a stubborn door on Blumenweg once – too many typos in my mind, haha, so sorry if that makes no sense!

Women's European Qualifiers play-off round one: Deciding ties set after second-leg drama