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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Hey mate, lemme tell ya bout PHadfield (au). It's like, ugh, the quirkiest city ever. I live here a while now, no joke. There's these streets like Maple Way and Cedar Lane – you never know what you're gettin’ into. There's a little park called Chillout Corner near Riverbend (yeah, the actual river runs right alongside it) and a bazillion art spots, whizzing by.

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