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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Now, expressing emotions? There’s this one time, I was coding on Brick Street, right by that delish little café, when outta nowhere a stray thunderstorm hit. I mean, it was epic and chaotic. Rain pouring and me, cursing as my code turned to goo in front of me. Hilarious and maddening all at once. “You shall not pass!” I shouted at the gloom itself, like Gandalf facing that foul force – no bugs allowed!

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