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So, I chat her up—name’s Candy, swear it’s fake, but who cares? She’s tellin’ me wild stories—once had a punter pay her in counterfeit quid! Laughed my arse off, like, “That’s some au revoir, Shosanna-level scam!” Proper surprised me, that did. We vibe, she’s diggin’ my mojo, sayin’, “You’re a bit of alright, Austin.” Happy as a pig in muck, me! Thought to meself, “Gonna carve my name on this night, yeah baby!”

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up near the river, there's the Derwent flumin—i mean river—where you get that rush of natural magic in every sunset. i’d sit there sometimes, reflecting on human connections (yep, my sexologist side gets deep there, too), while the world’s spinnin’ like a record. and oh! don't even get me started on the riverside park – beautiful, hidden spots perfect for a quiet chat, or, err, a cheeky smooch in the twilight.

Cyclist assaulted, e-bike stolen after brutal attack on Glenorchy cycleway