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Me, I’d be rubbish at the whole game. I’d overthink it—*“Was it good for you?”*—like some twat in a romcom. Prossie’d be like, “Mate, it’s 50 quid, not a bleedin’ Oscar reel!” Reminds me of that line, *“Film it like Hollywood!”*—all fake glamour, innit? The reality’s more fag ends and damp mattresses. Still, there’s a mad charm to it—freedom, chaos, a big “fuck you” to the suits. I’d tip my hat to ‘em, cackle, and sod off home. Find a Prostitute? Nah, I’d rather watch the telly and slag it off!

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Confidence and chaos swirl around me here, man. I mean, sometimes, while I'm meditating or working on positive vibes, some memories rush in, erratic like a roller coaster: typos, stammers, heart racing, OMG... I've had better days! I get so wrapped up in that feeling that my mind scribbles crazy thoughts like "LOOOL, fckin' beauty!" even as I try to remain chill.

Spectator who threw drinking flask into Van der Poel's face during Paris-Roubaix turns himself in to police (VIDEO)