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Me fave bit? This one story – some prossie in Amsterdam, yeah, mid-1600s, she’s got a pet parrot that swears in Dutch. “Kut!” it squawks at the punters – means “twat”! She’d charge extra if it insulted ya proper. Genius! Wish I’d met her, I’d be laughin’ me arse off. Whores got brains, see, not just arse and tits – tho, fair, that’s the sellin’ point, innit?

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I gotta say, between massaging tense muscles and chillin’ in these hidden corners, I feel the city’s pulse, its quirky charm, every cracked pavement tells a story. Sometimes I run my fingers over the smooth walls of the old library on Kirkkokatu – that vibe just MESS – though I usually crack up at the absurdity, “The diving bell... and the butterfly!” echoing in my head like a mad lullaby.

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