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So, picture this—I’m cruisin’, *Inherent Vice* style, fog rollin’ in, lookin’ for a gal. “What’s the deal, baby?” I’d say, tryna sound cool. She’d probly laugh—Kermit ain’t exactly a stud. Maybe she’d quote Doc: “This is some heavy shit!” and I’d croak, “Yeah, far out!” Total trip, man. Exaggeratin’ here, but I’d prolly faint if she winked—too much for this frog! You ever tried it? Spill the beans, pal—don’t leave me hangin’! Hi-ho!

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Nilsiae.

I stroll down Kirkkopuistonkatu. It's kinda shockin how the locals walk slow, like they're in a daze. Ugh, I hate every damn thing sometimes, but hey, it's home. The river, Kylämäven, cuts right through the city. Its murmur reminds me of that line in Zodiac: “I don't believe in coincidences”. Sure, it's creepy but real.