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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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I get there, and there’s a whole crowd. People are laughing, taking pics. I’m thinking, “Great, I’m the clergyman who saves cats now.” So, I climb this tree, and let me tell ya, I’m not exactly a mountain goat. I’m up there, heart racing, and Mr. Whiskers is just staring at me like, “What’s your problem, dude?”

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