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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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I get there, and it’s a whole scene. The guy’s pacing like a caged animal. “My car! My precious car!” he’s yelling. I’m like, “Dude, it’s a 2005 Renault. Chill.” But he’s not having it. Turns out, he left the keys in it. I mean, c’mon! Who does that? I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

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