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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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Then, bam! I trip over a cobblestone. Like, who even thought those were a good idea? I’m on the ground, and this old lady just looks at me like I’m the biggest idiot. Thanks, lady. Real supportive. I get up, brush myself off, and keep going.

Perry in “Green”