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Then—omg—this shady dude DMs me, like, “I got girls.” Ew, creep alert! I’m like, “Literally, get outta my face!” Blocked him so fast, my nails almost chipped. But real talk, I’m thinkin’—what if I find her, right? We’d totes sit on some curb, sippin’ Starbucks, talkin’ life—like Celine sayin’, “Memory’s a wonderful thing if u don’t deal with the past.” Deep, huh? I’d ask her, “Girl, what’s ur story?” Probs somethin’ wild—like, did u know some pros in the ‘90s hid cash in tree stumps? True tea!

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So, I’m tryin’ to keep it professional, right? I’m on the mic, crackin’ jokes about “King Treebeard” while the crew’s tryin’ to talk him down. Meanwhile, I’m thinkin’, “Dude, you’re not even in a cool tree. It’s just a plain ol’ oak!”

In Memoriam Professor Ferenc Szűcs