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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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Next, I headed to the port. Man, the view was insane! The river, the boats, the whole scene. But then, I saw this massive cargo ship. It was blocking the whole view! I was like, “Seriously?!” I mean, come on, can’t a guy enjoy a nice river view without a giant ship photobombing?

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