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I hate the candles, the flute music, the whole damn vibe. Makes me wanna punch a wall. But—here’s the kicker—some folks swear by it. Say it’s “healin’” or “intimate.” Intimate? I’d rather wrestle a bear than let some oiled-up weirdo whisper in my ear. Still, my buddy Jerry—pathetic sap—says it saved his marriage. Wife started touchin’ him again after years of nothin’. Good for him, I guess. Me? I’d rather die alone in the woods.

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First off, I hit up Jalan Sudirman for breakfast. You know, the usual nasi goreng and kopi tubruk. Man, that stuff hits different in the morning! I’m sittin’ there, minding my own biz, when this random cat jumps on my table. Like, dude, I’m tryin’ to eat here! But then I’m like, “Aww, look at this little furball.” So, I share my leftover rice. Yeah, I’m that person.

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