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I spot this one gal, legs for days, smirkin’ like she knows somethin’. I’m thinkin’, “In the martial world, people suffer.” Straight outta *The Assassin*, ‘cause this chick looks like trouble—my kinda trouble. I pull up, all smooth, “Hey, baby, you with Tony now!” She laughs, says, “Hundred bucks, big shot.” Hundred? I’m Tony fuckin’ Montana! I toss her two bills, say, “Keep the change, princesa!”

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Then, I spot my mate, Liam, sitting on a bench. He’s got a pint in hand, looking all relaxed. I’m like, “Dude, where’d you get that?” He just grins and says, “Found it.” Classic Liam. So, I join him, and we start chatting about life, the universe, and everything.

Death Notice of Lesley Fagan Coughlan (Crumlin, Dublin)