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First off, I’m no square – I know the streets hum with secrets. Prostitutes? They’re everywhere, babe, if ya squint right. Back in ’71 – little known fact – LAPD busted this ring run outta a chop shop. Girls hid in trunks! Wild, right? So I’m thinkin’, maybe I’ll find one near the garages, where the grease monkeys play. Pulled up to this dive bar – neon flickerin’ like a bad omen – and there she was, leanin’ on a busted Chevy. “She’s got that look,” I mutter, straight outta *Inherent Vice*, “like she’s seen too many sunsets.”

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So, I settled for a muffin. Not the same, but whatever. I sat outside, soaking in the view of the harbor. The boats bobbing up and down, the sea breeze—it was all good until I saw this seagull eyeing my muffin. I swear, that bird was plotting something. I had to guard my food like it was the last muffin on Earth.

Spotting a celebrity: Henry McKean reports from Skerries