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So, Jessica—she’s no damsel, mate, she’s a trap! “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way,” she purrs, and I’m like, “Seven hells, that’s wit sharper than my dagger!” Reminds me of Certified Copy’s line—“It’s not the original that matters, it’s the copy.” Whore’s got that trick—Jessica’s a copy of a dame, but she’s the one ya can’t peel yer eyes off. Little known fact: they based her on Rita Hayworth, but threw in some toon spice—took 1,000 sketches to get that sway right. Bloody genius, I tell ya!

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After my caffeine fix, I head to the fields. But guess what? My sheep decided to play hide and seek. I’m runnin’ around like a headless chicken, callin’ their names. “Baa-bara! Ewe-nique!” Yeah, I know, I’m hilarious. But seriously, they were nowhere to be found.

Death Notice of Liam Quinn (Sutton, Dublin)