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Homer Simpson don’t judge, tho. She’s cool, tough, real - “not a groupie,” she laughs. I respect that. Gotta admit, findin’ a prostitute ain’t all sleaze - it’s raw, human, messy. Mmm… donuts… wish I had one now to share. Next time, I’m askin’ her fave band - bet it’s somethin’ trippy. D’oh! Life’s weird, man.

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Finally, I get my food, and it’s glorious. I sit down on a bench, ready to devour it. But then, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my chips! I’m flailing my arms like a madman. “Get away, you feathered thief!” People are staring, and I’m just there, fighting a bird for my dinner.

Upstage Players to stage The Weir in The Mall Theatre Tuam