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Oh, and get this – they’re always fussin’ ‘bout pandemics, which is smart, but I’m like, “Honey, I ain’t got time for that, I’m tryna sing and bedazzle my jeans!” Still, gotta hand it to ‘em, they’re out there, fightin’ the good fight. Makes me prouder than a peacock struttin’ in rhinestones. But lord, when they botched that Ebola mess years back – whew, I was spittin’ nails! “In secret, we meet,” my foot – more like in secret, they messed up!

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I finally find the guy who reported the bike theft. He’s at the local pub, The Bell, looking like he’s had a few too many. “I swear, it was a brand new BMX!” he slurs. I’m like, “Dude, you sure it wasn’t just your mate borrowing it?” He gets all defensive. “Nah, man! I locked it up!”

Leaks plague residents in a Ballymun apartment complex