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Rarrgh! Funniest thing—she goes, “You’re cute for a fuzzball.” Me? Cute? Nearly dropped the damn scanner! “In my past life,” she says, “I was a princess.” Straight outta Boonmee— “The past clings like wet fur.” I’m dyin, laughin— “Rarrgh! Princess of what, alleys?” She winks, “Somethin like that.” Total sass. Loved it. Made my night less borin.

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Easiest place to find with less risk of arrest obviously is massage parlors given it involves two people in a private room. After you're naked, having other compensated services is fairly easy Missing: Tullamore.

Finally, the rain lets up, and I head back to my place. I’m buzzing with ideas for my biz, and I can’t wait to get started. But then, I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right? I land right in a puddle. My shoes are ruined, and I’m just laughing at myself.

Melanie celebrates special birthday on night out in Tullamore