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Me fave bit? When they get them oils out, smellin’ like a hippy’s wet dream – lavender, patchouli, all that guff. Slippery as a politician’s promise! Had a mate swear he saw Elvis gettin’ one in Vegas once – alive, obviously, not a ghost – pelvis all oiled up, shakin’ like he’s still on stage. Total bollocks, but I’d pay to see it! Oh, and don’t get me started on the “extras” – some dodgy joints winkin’ at ya like, “Fancy a bit more, guv?” Makes me wanna scream, “You’re not a masseuse, you’re a tart with a towel!”

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After that, I’m feeling pretty good. I grab lunch at my fave spot on Makkabbim Street. The falafel there is to die for! But then, I overhear this lady talking about her parrot. Apparently, it learned some swear words. I’m like, “Wow, that’s a talent!” But then she says it’s been cursing at her kids. I can’t help but chuckle. I mean, who knew parrots could be such little troublemakers?

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