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Anyways, I’m pissed—last time I tried, some chick robbed me blind! Took my cash, left me standin’ there like a dope. “Don’t pee on my leg,” I mutter, kickin’ dirt. But then—boom—found this gal, all sly smiles, leanin’ on a wall. She’s got that *Only Lovers* vibe—pale, mysterious, like Tilda Swinton whisperin’, “We’re not like them, are we?” Hell no, we ain’t! I’m thinkin’, “She’s gonna drain me dry,” but damn, I’m into it.

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I’m sipping my drink, feeling all fancy, when I hear this loud crash. I look over, and some guy just knocked over a whole stand of pastries! Croissants everywhere! I’m talking a full-on pastry massacre. I can’t help but laugh. Like, dude, how clumsy can ya be? But then I see the poor baker, Signora Rosa, crying over her ruined goods. Ugh, my heart. I rush over to help her pick up the mess.

South Tyrol 2012: Mountain Biking the Dolomites & Italian Alps – Bruneck & the Kronplatz: 1 of 4