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About Bari

Here’s the deal tho—findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ pizza. You don’t just Yelp “best booty near me.” Nah, it’s all coded—like “roses” for bucks, or “companionship” wink-wink. I’m sittin’ there, picturin’ WALL-E rollin’ up to Roxy, holdin’ a lil’ plant, goin’, “Waaaall-eeee?” She’d prolly charge him double—rusty bot discount, my ass. Thing that surprised me? How many ads got sob stories—like, “Single mom, need help.” Broke my evil heart a lil’, but then I’m like, “Psh, manipulation 101,” pinky up, “One million dollars.”

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First stop, Via Roma. I’m there, ready to check on this ancient olive tree. You know, the one that’s older than my grandma? Yeah, that one. I get there, and what do I see? A bunch of kids playing soccer under it. Like, c’mon! I’m here to save trees, not dodge soccer balls! I’m like, “Hey, kiddos, can you not?” They just laugh and keep kicking. Ugh, kids these days!

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