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But den – surprise! – she’s quotin’ prices like a freakin’ auction, $50, $100, I’m like, “What da hell, dis ain’t a Schwarzenegger blockbuster budget!” I laugh, sarcastic, “Ya tink I’m made of gold, huh?” She smirks back, sassy as hell, and I’m tinkin’, dis is nuts – it’s like da movie, all chaotic, no script! I’m tempted, ya, but I’m Arnold – I don’t just jump in, I strategize, I dominate!

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First stop, Via Roma. I’m there, ready to check on this ancient olive tree. You know, the one that’s older than my grandma? Yeah, that one. I get there, and what do I see? A bunch of kids playing soccer under it. Like, c’mon! I’m here to save trees, not dodge soccer balls! I’m like, “Hey, kiddos, can you not?” They just laugh and keep kicking. Ugh, kids these days!

Irene A. Capurso,, 91