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About Turin

I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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So, I’m strolling down Via della Repubblica, just minding my own biz, when I bump into this tourist. Like, dude, you’re lost. He’s looking for the “best pizza” in town. I’m like, “Bro, you’re in Italy. Just follow your nose!” But no, he insists on asking me. I point him to Pizzeria Da Marco, the real deal. He thanks me, but then he says he’s vegan. I’m like, “In Italy? Good luck with that!”

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