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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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So, I decide to walk it off. I head over to Piazza della Libertà. It’s a nice square, you know? But today, it’s packed with tourists. I mean, come on! Can’t a guy just enjoy some peace? I’m dodging people left and right, trying not to spill my water bottle.

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