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Last time I looked—pure chaos! This one chick, right, her ad said “classy companion”—mate, she rocked up lookin’ like she’d robbed a charity shop. Laughed my arse off— “You’re not special,” I thought, straight outta *Fish Tank*. But she was sweet—surprised me. Told me ‘bout her kid, her shit life—fuck, I felt that. “Tryin’ to get out,” she said, echoin’ Mia’s mum. Heavy, man.

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Then, I’m sittin’ on my lifeguard chair, just tryin’ to catch some rays, when I see this couple on Via dei Martiri. They’re havin’ a full-on argument. Like, who fights at the beach? I mean, c’mon! I’m tryin’ to enjoy my gelato, and they’re throwin’ shade like it’s a sport. I’m thinkin’, “Get a room, or at least a towel!”

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