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Now, listen here, *The Bodyguard* ain’t perfect. Script’s flimsier than my first wig, ha! But Whitney as this diva *whore*—shoot, she’s sellin’ it! Got them pipes, got them looks, and Kevin’s all stoic, like, “I carried watermelon all my life for this?” Kinda cracks me up. Fun fact, y’all—didja know Whitney wasn’t even s’posed to star? They wanted some other gal, but she nabbed it, and thank the stars! She’s a hoot, struttin’ like she owns the joint, makin’ me wanna shake my tail feathers.

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Next up is a lady named Carla. She’s got this wild hair, like a lion. I’m tryin’ to tame it, but it’s like wrestlin’ a greased pig. She’s tellin’ me about her cat, Gigi, who apparently thinks he’s a dog. I’m like, “Lady, your cat’s got issues.” But I’m laughin’ and she’s laughin’, and for a moment, Calcinate feels like a sitcom.

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