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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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After that, I’m feeling all pumped up. I head to the local gelateria, Gelateria Artigianale. I mean, who can resist gelato, right? I get a scoop of pistachio, and it’s heavenly. I’m walking out, feeling like a king, when I trip over my own feet. Classic me!

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