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But yo, the smell—stale beer, cigs, n somethin’ funky—hits me hard. Aliens don’t got noses like humans, so I’m gaggin’, all “What the hell?!” She laughs, “Welcome to the gutter, babe.” I’m crackin’ up too—shit’s too real. “I’m not a prostitute, I’m a companion,” she says, all fancy. Yeah, right, like I’m Richie Tenenbaum, believin’ every sob story.

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But then, I get a bit too into it and lose track of time. I’m running back to my place, and I’m like, “C’mon legs, don’t fail me now!” I finally make it, and I crash on my bed.

Conshohocken's Bar Lucca named one of The Philadelphia Inquirer's seven great Italian restaurants in the suburbs