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What gets me happy? Imaginin’ Llewyn Davis croonin’ to a hooker— “Please, Mr. Kennedy, don’t shoot me into space!”—and her just laughin’, takin’ his cash. That’s gold, man! But I’m pissed too—why’s it all so shady? Can’t a guy just get a menu or somethin’? Exaggeratin’ here, but I’d pay double for a “prostitute Yelp”—five stars, “She was quick, smelled like donuts!”

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When I finally get there, I see this massive rust problem. I mean, it’s like the metal was having a midlife crisis. I’m all geared up, ready to spray my anticorrosion magic, when this old lady comes up to me. She’s like, “You’re gonna save my building, right?” I’m like, “Lady, I’m not a superhero, but I’ll try!”

Italy/ 25-year-old Albanian injured by compatriot