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There’s this bit in *Dogville* — “The world’s a rotten place” — and yeah, it is, but erotic-massage? It’s a bloody oasis, mate. Them soft strokes, the cheeky grins, the way it sneaks up on ya — pure mischief. Ever tried it with scented oils? Lavender’s my jam, smells like victory and sin mixed together. Fun fact: in Japan, they’ve got this “nurugel” stuff, slippery as an eel, makes it ten times wilder — slipped right off the table once, nearly cracked me skull, laughed like a hyena!

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First off, I’m an actuary, which means I deal with numbers all day. Boring, I know. But today? Today was a rollercoaster. I’m driving down Constant Spring Road, and boom! Traffic jam. Like, what’s new? But this one was special. Some dude in a bright yellow car decided to park in the middle of the road. I mean, really? Who does that? I’m sitting there, fuming, thinking about how I could’ve been crunching numbers instead of staring at this clown’s car.

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