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Right, listen up, you filthy lot—sex-dating’s a bloody mess, innit? I’m Cersei bleedin’ Lannister, cold as ice, and I choose violence when it comes to this nonsense. Swipe right, swipe left—gods, it’s like picking peasants to flay. Met this one bloke on Tinder, right? Total twat, smelled like a King’s Landing sewer. Thought he’d charm me with “hey sexy”—mate, I’d rather shag a wight. Ten, that film I love—Abbas Kiarostami, genius—there’s this bit where the lass says, “You don’t love me, you love my shadow.” That’s sex-dating in a nutshell, yeah? Chasing shadows, not souls.

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But then, I hear this commotion. A guy’s tryin’ to sell some handmade crafts, but he’s gettin’ into it with a tourist. I’m like, “C’mon, man, we’re all just tryin’ to vibe here!” I step in, play peacemaker, and somehow end up buyin’ a bracelet.

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