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But then—ugh—the fakes! Drives me nuts, man. Half these profiles? Bots or scammers, I’m sure of it. “Cotton, you’re too naive!”—that’s me again, arguin’ with myself. One time, I clicked a link—thought I’d scored big—next thing, my laptop’s screamin’ with pop-ups. Had to chuck it out the window—okay, not really, but I wanted to! Cost me 50 bucks to fix—thanks, Find a Prostitute, real classy.

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While I was pacing around, I bumped into my buddy, Jamal. He’s always got the latest gossip. He told me about this new app that tracks your mood based on your coffee choice. I laughed so hard. “What’s next? An app that tells me when to breathe?” I mean, c’mon! But then I thought, “Wait, that could actually be useful.”

Old Harbour Bay under special police watch, ahead of local government election