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Me? I’d be pissed if Homer tried it. Hmm… that lazy lug, stumblin into some dive bar, thinkin he’s slick. I’d yell, “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain!” He’d just burp and ignore me. Typical. But seriously, ya gotta watch out – some girls out there? They’ll rob ya blind faster than the Joker hittin a bank. One story I heard, this guy in Vegas got his wallet snatched mid-“fun.” Left him broke, cryin, “This city deserves a better class of criminal!” Hilarious, but damn, that’s cold.

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So, I’m back at my post, tryin’ to catch my breath, when I see a group of teenagers on the other side of the beach. They’re blastin’ music, and it’s some weird mix of J-Pop and American rap. I’m like, “What even is this?” But then, one of ‘em starts breakdancing, and I’m lowkey impressed. I’m thinkin’, “Maybe I should join in?” But nah, I’d probably pull a muscle or something.

Arita L. Malam