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I roll up, shades on, feelin like a champ. This chick struts over—legs for days, skirt shorter than a jobber’s career. “What’s your name?” I growl, all Hulkster bravado. She’s like, “Does it matter?” Ha! Cold as ice, brother! Made me laugh, but also pissed me off—gimme somethin to work with, lady! I’m thinkin, “I lie to myself all the time,” like in *Memento*. Am I even here for this? Brain’s spinnin.

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So, I rush back to the scene. The owner’s there, and she’s got this whole crowd around her. I’m trying to explain, but she’s not having it. “You don’t understand!” she shouts. I’m thinking, “Yeah, I don’t understand why you thought an iguana needed a swim.”

Figure 5. One-dimensional column test. (a) Schematic illustration of...