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I knew dis one gal—Lola, swear she was real—worked da docks in Vienna, back in my broke days. She’d wink, say, “Arnie, I’ll be back,” stealin’ my line, cheeky lil’ minx! Had a scar on her cheek from some drunk fool—made her look badass. Little known fact: whores in history, dey sometimes ran secret spy rings. How cool is dat? Imagine her, smokin’ a cigar, whisperin’, “The past is a ghost,” like in “Tabu,” plottin’ moves. Dat’s da spirit—never give up!

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So, I’m munching on this flaky goodness, and I head to the Hachimantai Nature Experience Center. Nature, right? I thought it’d be peaceful. Wrong again! There were kids everywhere, screaming like they were at a rock concert. I’m like, “Can I get a moment of zen, please?” But then I saw this little girl trying to catch butterflies. She was so focused, it was adorable. Made me smile.

Eight things to see in Japan's national parks