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Me? I’d be rubbish at it – too jumpy! “Who’s that? Cop? Trick?” I’d hiss, clawin’ at me own head. Once heard a story – bloke paid £200, got a dude instead! Laughed me arse off, precious – surprise of the century! “What’s this, then?” he yelped, runnin’ fast. Bet he felt like Malik, cornered, screamin’ “I’m no fool!”

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Pakistani taxi-driver Parvez and prostitute Bettina find themselves trapped in the middle when Islamic fundamentalists decide to clean up their local town.

First off, I hit the streets of Ishii, right? The sun was shining, and I was like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” But nah, the universe had other plans. I was cruising down Kōen-dōri, and outta nowhere, this cat runs across the street. I slam on the brakes, spill my coffee all over my lap. Great start, right? I’m sitting there, cursing under my breath, thinking, “Why’d I even get coffee?”

Meet the world No 188 facing Emma Raducanu in Miami Open Round 1