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Funniest thing? This one time, I’m negotiatin’, and she’s like, “No kissing, only business.” I laugh, “What am I, yer boyfriend?” She didn’t get it—stone cold, like Bigelow filmin’ a torture scene. Oh, and get this: some work outta “massage parlors”—total front. Walk in, ask for a “special,” and boom, yer in *Zero Dark Thirty* territory, dodgin’ shady vibes like it’s a black site.

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Then, I spotted this old lady feedin’ the ducks. She was so sweet, talkin’ to them like they were her best buds. I couldn’t help but smile. Life’s simple pleasures, right? But then, I realized I was sittin’ on a bench covered in bird poop. Great. Just great.