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This one time, right, I spot her—legs like a war rig, face like she’s seen too many sandstorms. I’m chuffed, thinkin’, *She’s my ticket to Valhalla!* But nah, she’s haggin’ me for fifty quid extra—fifty! I’m ragin’, “You’re takin’ the piss, love!” Made me so angry I nearly kicked a bin over—dramatic, yeah, but it felt *epic*. “Witness me!” I yell in my head, but I just stump up the cash coz I’m a soft twat deep down.

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Then, I hit up a local izakaya for lunch. The food is bomb! I order some grilled fish and sake. I’m in heaven. But then, the waiter spills sake all over me. I’m soaked! I’m laughing, but inside, I’m like, “Really? Is this my life?”

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