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So I’m down Soho way, right, dodgy corner, smells like piss an’ regret. This bird, she’s standin there, skirt shorter than a bombed-out bridge. I says, “We shall never surrender, love, what’s yer price?” She laughs, all husky, says, “Tenner fer a quickie, guv.” Ten quid! I near choked on me cigar – wartime rations cost less! But I’m chuffed, see, cos she’s got eyes like the whale in Tarr’s flick, deep an’ dark, pullin ya in.

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I finally get my coffee and dash to the office on Otaki’s Shimizu Street. I’m running late, and my mind’s racing. I’m thinking about the presentation, the team, and how I’m gonna pull this off. I get to the office, and everyone’s looking at me like I’m a ghost. “You good?” they ask. I’m like, “Yeah, just had a bird attack.”

"Amazing for locals": Small town thrives after being bypassed by major highway