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Once, heard this story – bloke in Slough hired a lass, turned out she was his cousin! Absolute stitch-up, that. “The faun will guide us!” – nah, mate, the faun’s takin’ the piss. Made me cringe so hard I hid under me desk. Personal quirk? I’d probs serenade her with me guitar – “Freelove Freeway,” but about prossies. Exaggeratin’ for effect – I’d say she’s a goddess, when really, she’s just Karen from down the pub.

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So, I’m strolling down the riverbank, and boom! I see this old dude fishing. He’s got this massive grin, like he just won the lottery. I’m thinking, “Dude, what’s your secret?” Turns out, he caught a fish that was bigger than my arm! I’m not even kidding. I was like, “Bro, you should be on TV!” He just laughed and said, “Nah, I’m just here for the peace.” I mean, who doesn’t want that, right?

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