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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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After that, I decide to take a walk. I wander down to the Yawatahama Castle ruins. It’s so peaceful there. I sit on a bench, just taking it all in. The cherry blossoms are blooming, and I’m feeling all philosophical. Like, life’s a rollercoaster, right? One minute you’re up, the next you’re down.

Dalemain World Marmalade Awards founder honoured by Japan