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Still, there’s somethin’ about it—like Spring Breakers, ya know? Sleazy, chaotic, but you can’t look away. The colors, the vibe—it’s all “Spring break forever, bitches!” in digital form. Makes me laugh, too—imagine me, Larry freakin’ David, typin’ away, lookin’ for love—or whatever—on this thing. What’s next, me in a neon thong? God forbid!

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But then, as we’re slurping noodles, I get a call. It’s my buddy, and he’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe what just happened!” I’m like, “I’m in the middle of ramen heaven, what’s up?” Turns out, he just won a trip to Hawaii. I’m happy for him, but also, like, why not me?