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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, yesss, split mind hissing, got thoughts on findin’ a prossie. Nasty business, eh? But we likes it dark, don’t we, like “Only Lovers Left Alive.” Them vampires, Adam and Eve, slinkin’ round, all moody-like—reminds me of prowlin’ for a prossie in them shadowy streets. “We’re not like the zombies,” Adam says, and I hiss—prossies ain’t either, eh? Livin’, breathin’, but oh so lost.

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So, I’m standing there, soaked, and I see this little kid on the street. He’s holding a giant umbrella, and he’s just laughing at the rain. I’m like, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.” But then I remember, I’m an adult. Adulting sucks.

Insight: COP26 aims to banish coal. Asia is building hundreds of power plants to burn it